


Don't Say Goodbye, Not Forever

by Alice_Writes_Stuff



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Autistic Alec Lightwood, Flashbacks, If You Squint - Freeform, Implied Smut, M/M, post 2x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-07
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-12 09:00:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11733858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alice_Writes_Stuff/pseuds/Alice_Writes_Stuff
Summary: Following the events of 2x18, Alec gets a call from Magnus, asking him to come over so that he can properly explain their situation.





	Don't Say Goodbye, Not Forever

**A.N- I meant to have this out earlier in the week, but better late than never, I suppose. This is inspired by 2x18, I hope you guys enjoy it! I don’t own the characters.**

Alec set down his empty mug of coffee and looked down at the report on his desk, not really seeing it. His mind was still in the corridor, watching the elevator doors close on Magnus. He still couldn’t get his head around what had happened between them. After everything they’d been through, he couldn’t believe that it had come to this. He didn’t know how he’d managed not to break down yet, but he didn’t want to dwell on it. He didn’t want to think about Magnus, about all the things he was going to miss about him, about how he was going to have to force himself to push on without him.

Folding his arms on the table, he rested his head on his arms, abandoning his work for the rest of the evening. He was determined not to cry, not until he was alone in his room at least. Instead, he closed his eyes, wanting to try to rest a little after the long, exhausting day. He knew he probably wouldn’t get much sleep once he was back in his own bed. He’d gotten so used to sleeping in Magnus's bed, it was going to be difficult to go back to sleeping apart.

 _When Alec woke up, he found that Magnus had thrown an arm_ _over his waist in his sleep. Gently moving his arm to one side, he looked around the room. He hadn’t intended to fall asleep here, it had just happened. He’d helped Magnus to bed the night before_ , _after he’d spent the day using his magic to try and heal him. For a couple of minutes, they’d lain next to each other, and before Alec could help himself, he’d drifted off to sleep._

_Judging by the late morning sun that was filtering in through the curtains, he’d been asleep longer than he’d intended. On the one hand, this was probably good, since he felt a lot better than he had last night. On the other hand, though, he should probably get back to the Institute, before he got in trouble with Aldertree._

_“Magnus,” he whispered, gently shaking his boyfriend’s shoulder. His boyfriend- even just thinking that was enough to make him smile. He still couldn't believe that this relationship was real; sometimes he thought he’d made the whole thing up. Magnus muttered something in a language Alec didn’t understand, but he didn’t otherwise do anything. Again, Alec shook his shoulder, and this time it had the desired effect._

_“Alexander,” Magnus whispered, his eyes wide with surprise. “I didn’t think you’d stay.”_

_“What are you talking about?” Alec replied. “Of course I stayed. I kinda passed out, to be honest- but even if I hadn’t, I still would’ve stayed.” He reached for his phone- he’d at least had the sense to take both it and hi_ s _stele out of his jeans pocket before falling asleep- and checked the time. “I can’t stay much longer, though, unfortunately.” He got up off the bed and started looking for his boots. Magnus didn’t say anything- he just sat on the edge of the bed, checking his hair in a small hand mirror and smoothing out the wrinkles in his shirt and waistcoat. They’d both ended up falling asleep in their clothes last night, something that was clearly more of a problem for Magnus than it was for him._

_“Do you want a portal back to the Institute, or can you make your own way back?” Alec frowned._

_“Will you be okay making a portal after yesterday?” Magnus just shrugged, snapping his fingers. That seemed to do the trick regarding his hair and make up, and he turned to look at Alec._

_“I don’t see why not. Everything seems to be back to normal.” He paused. “Do you want a coffee or something first?” Alec nodded, smiling._

_“What is it with you and giving me drinks?”_

_“Hey, at least it’s only coffee.”_

_“True.” Alec walked round to where Magnus was standing then. Gently taking the mirror from his hands and setting it on the bedside table, he rested a hand on Magnus's cheek, before leaning in and kissing him. “Thanks, by the way, for yesterday. You didn’t have to help me, but you did it anyway.”_

_“Of course I had to help you. I couldn’t just let you die.” He looked like he had something else he wanted to say, but was holding back. Instead, he kissed Alec, resting his hands on Alec’s shoulders._

“Alec!” It was Isabelle. “Are you okay?” Reluctantly, Alec sat up, wishing he could’ve stayed in the memory.

“Yeah,” he muttered. “I’m fine. I just fell asleep.”

“You should probably go to bed, then.”

“I will, in a minute.” Something in his face must’ve given him away, because she rested a hand on his arm- something he wouldn’t allow anyone outside of his family to do, except perhaps Magnus.

“Is everything okay?” He shook his head. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s Magnus.” Isabelle frowned at that.

“He broke up with you, didn’t he? Was it because of the Sword?” Alec shook his head again.

“No, no, it’s not- we’re not- we’re just on a break. At least, I think we are. I’m pretty sure we are.”

“That still sucks.” She patted his arm lightly, trying to make him feel better. “Do you want me to stay here with you? Or would you rather be alone?”

“I’d rather be alone, at least for tonight. I’ll talk to you in the morning though, alright?” He could tell she didn’t want to leave, but she knew him well enough to understand that when he said he wanted to be left alone, it was best not to try and force him to spend time with her. She turned to leave, and just before she walked out the door Alec called out to her. “Iz,” he said. “Promise me you’ll stay out of this?” She nodded, and left.

Once she’d gone, Alec decided that he’d get one more cup of coffee and go to bed. He grabbed his empty mug, and was just about to stand up when his phone buzzed on his desk. Checking the caller ID, he was surprised- and slightly hopeful- when he saw it was Magnus. Immediately, he hit the call button and held the phone up to his ear.

“Magnus, what’s up?” Magnus sounded almost surprised that he’d picked up.

“Can you come over? We really need to talk.” Alec wasn’t sure what he’s been expecting, but it wasn’t that. He couldn't help feeling hopeful- maybe Magnus had changed his mind, or he’d figured out a way they could continue to make their relationship work. The rational part of him knew that was very unlikely, but that didn’t stop him from longing for it to be true.

“Yeah, of course I will. I’ll be there as soon as I can.” He disconnected the call, trying to fight the small smile that was creeping onto his face. This didn’t mean anything, and it was wrong to try and hope for any kind of positive outcome. This was probably just Magnus confirming that they were definitely on a break, nothing more or less.

As he made his way to Magnus's apartment, he kept fiddling with his stele. He’d always found the texture of it almost calming to the touch, but his parents had always gotten annoyed at him for using it for any reason other than drawing runes. He figured it wouldn’t matter at this point- he’d activated his glamour rune, so it wasn’t like anyone was going to see him.

He deactivated the glamour rune when he got on the subway, and as he sat down in the half-empty carriage, another memory came to him.

_Magnus was tracing one of the runes on Alec’s back, the gentle touch making him shiver slightly._

_“How do you activate these ones? I mean, you can’t see them, so how do you know which ones you’re activating?” Alec smiled._

_“Sometimes we use a mirror if we’ve got one, or someone else does it. Jace usually does mine, if I need one of them activated.”_

_“I see.” Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec then, pulling him close. “Should I be jealous?” Alec shook his head._

_“No, no, of course not.”_

_“That’s good to know,” Magnus whispered, kissing the back of his neck, which made him smile._

Alec jerked awake, looking around quickly. He still had another stop to go before he had to get off, so he didn’t close his eyes again. Instead, he tried to keep his wits about him, still fiddling with his stele.

It was about half ten by the time he reached Magnus's apartment, and he hoped that he wasn’t too late. He knocked on the door, and he was almost surprised when Magnus opened the door almost straight away.

“What’s wrong?” Alec asked. Magnus let him in, and brought them over to the couch.

“I wanted you to know what’s going on, so that you don’t have the wrong idea.” Alec noticed Magnus was sitting as far away from him as he could on the couch, and though part of him wanted to move closer, he decided against it.

“Okay.” He looked down at his hands, not sure what else to do or say.

“Before I say anything else, I just want you to know, I didn’t want things to be this way. When you apologised for lying about the Soul Sword… I wanted to take you back and forgive you- actually, I do forgive you. But things can’t be the way they were, not right now at least.” Alec nodded.

“Why can’t they? What’s changed?”

“Luke and I went to the Seelie Court this morning, and the Seelie Queen decided that the best course of action was to cut ties with the Clave. That’s why we have to at least take a break- because I need to put my people first, and this is the only way I can protect them.” Instinctively, Alec reached for his hand.

“Alright,” he said eventually. “Alright.” He took a deep breath. “As difficult as this is gonna be, and believe me, this is gonna hurt like hell, if that’s what you have to do, then we’ll get through it. Delete my number, cut contact, whatever you have to do, it’s fine.” Magnus frowned.

“How are you taking this so well?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I have a feeling that this isn’t going to be forever. I love you, and I know that as heartbreaking as this is, we’ll get through it.” He paused. “Can you promise me something, though?” Magnus nodded. “If things get back to some kind of normality, can we meet up again and talk about all this?” He knew that there was every chance this might not happen anytime soon, if at all, but he wanted to ask all the same.

“Yeah, that’s fair.” Alec let go of Magnus's hand.

“I should probably go,” he said, taking one last look into Magnus's eyes. Just as he was about to turn away, Magnus rested a hand on his cheek and kissed him, hard and fast and desperate.

“Stay for one night? Just one, before we have to say goodbye.” Alec nodded, and kissed him back.

Deep down, Alec knew this probably wasn’t a good idea, and that he may well regret it later. However, he didn’t dwell on that fact. Instead, he concentrated on Magnus, who had by now pushed him down onto the couch, and was kissing him like his life depended on it. Alec pulled him close, kissing him just as hard. He wanted to get off the couch and go to Magnus's bed, but the words stuck in his throat and wouldn’t come out. He broke the kiss, and looked up at him.

“Magnus,” he whispered. There must’ve been something in his eyes, because Magnus took the hint and got to his feet. Despite himself, Alec smiled. Sometimes, it felt like Magnus knew him better than anyone, with the exception of his siblings.

They made their way into the bedroom, and Alec closed the door behind them. Magnus went to sit on the edge of the bed, twisting one of the rings on his hands. Alec went to stand in front of him.

“You know, we don’t have to do anything. I don’t even have to stay, if you don’t want me to. If it’s going to be more painful having me here, then I’ll go.” Magnus reached out then, and took hold of his hand.

“I don’t want you to go, not yet anyway.” Alec nodded, and sat down beside him, still holding his hand. After a moment, Magnus moved his other hand to cup Alec’s face. “Come here,” he whispered, once again leaning in to kiss him.

What must’ve been hours later, Alec was lying on his back in Magnus's bed, staring up at the ceiling. Beside him, Magnus was facing away from him, a faint yellow glow indicating that he was still awake- he’d dropped his glamour earlier, and now his cat eyes were the only source of light in the room.

They’d ended up having sex, but Alec had noted the difference compared to every other time they’d done so. For one thing, it had been slower, and the sense of sadness was unmistakeable. As much as he didn’t want to think about it, Alec knew that this may well be the last chance he got to be intimate like this with Magnus. Even if the war ended tomorrow, or at least the Clave and the Downworld were able to unite against Valentine, there was still a chance they might not be able to get back together, because one of them might be dead. Alec really didn’t want to consider that possibility, so he pushed it to the back of his mind.

Alec wasn’t sure what to do now. He couldn't sleep, and though he wanted to reach out and hold Magnus close, he wasn’t sure how well that would be received. After a minute or so, he decided to try his luck. Turning to lie on his side, he wrapped his arms around Magnus. The warlock turned so that he was facing him, burying his face in Alec’s neck without another word. Alec pulled him closer, and despite his best efforts, he soon fell asleep.

He woke several times during the night, though usually, he was able to get back to sleep again fairly easily. He must’ve been more exhausted than he’d realised- otherwise, he might have stayed awake longer, rather than waste precious time with Magnus asleep.

When morning finally arrived, Alec didn’t want to get up. He knew that if he did that, he would have to get dressed, and leave, and not come back, possibly ever again. Instead, he decided to try and stay for as long as he could.

However, that didn’t last long, as Magnus soon woke up. He rested a hand on Alec’s shoulder, obviously thinking he was asleep.

“Alexander,” he whispered, and Alec felt a stab of pain in his chest. He really, really didn’t want to go, yet he knew that he had to. “Do you… Do you want a portal back to the Institute?” Alec nodded, not able to bring himself to look at Magnus, afraid that it would hurt too much.

Before he left, Alec suggested that they have a drink of coffee. To his surprise, Magnus actually made the drinks by hand, rather than use magic as he normally would. Alec realised that he was doing it to prolong their time together. It dawned on him that this was it, that once they’d finished their drinks that they would have to part.

“Two sugars and a bit of milk?” Magnus asked once the kettle had boiled. Alec nodded, and Magnus then made up the drinks- coffee for Alec, tea for himself. That was something else he was going to miss- nobody else he knew took their tea like Magnus, with the barest minimum of everything.

“Thanks,” he muttered once the drinks were made. He wanted to say more, but he didn’t know what to say. After a minute or so, while they waited for the drinks to cool down, Magnus spoke.

“You’re right, you know. We do always seem to find our way back to each other, and I’m sure we will again. It just might take a bit longer this time.”

“I really hope you’re right.” Alec reached out and took his hand, even though it meant he had to set down his coffee.

Once they’d finished their drinks, Alec reluctantly got to his feet. They went into the main room, and Alec turned towards Magnus, taking hold of his hands again.

“I love you,” Magnus whispered. “I thought I should tell you that, before you go.” He moved one hand up to Alec’s cheek, and kissed him. Before Alec could deepen the kiss, though, he’d already pulled away.

“I love you too,” Alec replied. Taking a deep breath, he stepped away from Magnus. “I should go now, though.”

“Yeah.” Without another word, Magnus summoned a portal. With a heavy heart, Alec walked towards it. Just before he stepped through, he looked back once, trying not to think about the fact that he might not see Magnus again.

When he got back to the Institute, he felt numb. Almost in a daze, he made his way to his office and collapsed into his chair. He had no idea what to do now. Picking up the report he’d abandoned yesterday, he decided to get some work done. Hopefully, if he buried himself deep enough in his work, then he would be able to ignore the sharp, shattering pain that had settled in his heart.


End file.
